Parentification: Conversation to Trauma Dumping

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“I cannot leave my parents, so I leave myself behind.”

The moment a child enters the world, it marks not just the birth of a new life but also the dawn of parenthood. While finding “the right way” of parenthood, many struggle on walking to the right path. In this journey, what if the parents never had a chance to heal their inner child, did not have a chance for a healthy lifestyle, or suffered from psychological and emotional illness? 

To find why this occurs and what effects it has, I even conducted a survey among the children and a few interviews that may resonate with some of you. We will also get an insight along with the analysis of a counseling psychologist from The Blissful Mind, Ms. Kriti Agrawal.

Seeking a friend in my child

This phenomenon known as parentification emerges when the adults have unsolved trauma, a Borderline personality, or simply a narcissistic personality. 

Visiting a psychologist in People’s hospital, I got to have a conversation on people battling depression and how they carry unhealed emotional wounds for a very long time.

As we converse, the psychologist claimed his experience in counseling patients who are in parenthood. He says that they often seek validation and sympathy from people around them to find a place of importance for their life. He further claimed that when a parent; mostly a mother, finds herself with a Serious Mental Illness (SMI), they tend to change the role with their child. 

I was married at the age of 14 and it’s been over 40 years now. I have been seeking help with battling my depression from last 13+ years. I know that I might be burdening someone, but when things get hard, there is no one except my daughter that I can find my friend in. She is the only reason for my survival and sometimes I want to let it all out by sharing everything with her.

Meena

Such behavior may seem normal but this exposes some of the darkest world of adults to the children. The young ones are forced to shoulder adult responsibilities, burdening themselves with guilt and fooling their mind that they hold the key to healing their parents, often at the cost of their own well-being.

During such instances of Parentification, parents take refuge in the comforting arms of their children without consent or consideration. In this process they are unknowingly abusing their kin mentally and emotionally.

Your words hold the power

As a family member, it is good to communicate and share details but when certain phrases are emphasized it builds pressure. Trauma dumping is not only sharing your life problems with a kid like you are with a friend, it includes more than what parents may realize.

Phrases like “you are my only reason to live” and “you are the one keeping us together” may seem normal but repetition of these phrases emphasizes that the child is obligated to be in your life and give it a meaning. They might as well feel like they, themselves, are a burden that is making everyone miserable. 

Does gender play a role in parentification?

To gain insight into such experiences of young people in their own families, we surveyed Nepali teenagers and young adults aged 13 to 24. The response itself has a gender divide as the male participants claim to have a healthy and good relationship with their caregivers and most female participants have complex emotional dynamics. Despite this difference, almost everyone claimed that life could have been different had the parents not overshared their trauma to the innocent souls that had yet to explore the cruel world.

Why girls are especially vulnerable to Parentification in countries like Nepal is because of our culture and beliefs. They together with the society demand that girls be more emotionally mature and assume responsibility for their family’s well-being. 

Portrait image of a female kid laughing, wearing red dress.

While understanding the adults and cutting out their own needs and demands, they will push themselves into an unseen traumatic experience. This habit of giving up will later cause problems in adulthood too. Some of such problems come as emotional instability, clinginess, failed relationships, and difficulty in bonding with people. This in addition will also carry anxiety and stress till later part of their life. 

Why is it hard to end the cycle of parentification?

In many countries, including Nepal, with available counseling services, this cycle persists due to the lack of emphasis on mental health. Factors like early marriage, illiteracy, and cultural norms contribute more to the perpetuation of such unhealed trauma. 

Growing to become an adult, most people –especially women, try sticking in an unhealthy relationship because of the ‘normal’ they found in the relationship they had with their parents. They develop a mindset of having hope towards potential in the relationship— even if it is toxic or draining their happiness. And the trauma they gain will be passed off to their offsprings, same as their parents did to them. Why? Because it has been coined as a “normal life” for them.

A child who partakes in such emotional dumping from parents is normally termed emotionally abandoned as their voice goes unheard and less prioritized. Regrettably, they may perpetuate this cycle when they have children of their own if they do not understand themselves and seek a proper pregnancy plan including sessions with parenting coaches who will guide you in many ways.

Exploring an experience of Parentification

Testimonial Image of Eve for Parentification.

I had basic needs so I was better than the less privileged ones, at least that was what I thought. But as I grew up one thing I realized was what I was missing: a safe environment in terms of mental, emotional and social stability.  
I think my parents’ trauma and insecurity shaped the way I face them every now and then. Growing up in a nuclear family, they were the only ones I interacted with but unfortunately one was emotionally unavailable and the other discontinued her treatment of depression. This has made things more difficult. 
Even when I tried to confront how I felt because of their words or behavior, I saw the narcissistic side to them that blamed me with different stories from the past. I believed them and blamed myself for most of my childhood. 
I am able to cope with this finally today but it costs me ignorance and distance between me and them. I do not love them any less now, but I would see them as parents that I ought to respect rather than grown children that I have to act like a mother to. As an eldest, I have to be there now, because I not only have to keep this family happy and together, I do have a younger brother that I need to shield from all this. 

-Eve, 20

After reading to Eve’s story, we all will form our own opinion. Some might see it as normal and label her as over thinker, while some might sympathize. So, here’s the take from a professional and unbiased opinion on this matter.

When she talks about her parents, she shows a sign of loneliness which must have been a difficult thing to process at such a young age. She did not feel heard or seen as the parents were emotionally unavailable or facing mental health issues themselves. She also mentions not being provided with a safe mental and emotional space and her feelings being dismissed which led to self-blame and eventually also hampered the parent-child relationship.

Lets see this in scientific terms. When a child is in Constant Chronic Stress (feeling pressured or being overwhelmed over a long period of time), the ‘Amygdala” (also known as the fear center of the brain) is overactivated. In the case above, the child was not feeling safe or was also made responsible for parents’ emotional state, past experiences, and personal traumas.  Because of this, the  “Prefrontal Cortex” (responsible for rational thinking, positive thinking, emotional management) was under activated. Researchers say that this constant toxic stress during childhood leads to improper brain development of the child which eventually impacts their emotions, behavior and personality as an adult.

Kriti Agrawal (M.Phil)
Counseling Psychologist & Positive Parenting Coach
The Blissful Mind

Ms. Agrawal also shared a list of impacts the child can have which will give us a better understanding of the effects your child will be going through:

  1. Difficulty in concentration, learning, problem solving, decision making, 
  2. May reflect poor academic performance,
  3. Tend to be overactive and aggressive to themselves and others,
  4. Dysregulated emotions,
  5. Impaired social awareness, empathy and connection with others,
  6. Disruption in ability to feel internal experiences, and
  7. Learning to suppress feelings. 

These might just be a few effects covering countless of emotionally and mentally impaired parts of the child that they might be carrying for the rest of their lives.

How do I end Parentification?

Healing is a long and arduous journey, particularly for those who have never experienced a ‘normal’ life. In such cases, people often find their coping mechanisms. You should however always give yourself a chance to find the normal in your life even if it will always have its ups and downs. 

Recognizing parentification in your relationship at home does not mean you ought to hate them. It is not that simple either. I have prepared some of the tips for you to follow to help yourself or your kids in ending the cycle of Parentification. 

Don’ts to end Parentification

Don’t become an adult to your parent’s unhealed past

While it may seem natural to comfort parents who continually share their intimate details with tears, you can never be their savior. This is a fact you need to hear. This pattern will persist, creating unhealthy bonds and attachments.

Don’t keep things to yourself

Just like a volcano, emotions can erupt when the pressure becomes unbearable. This pent-up emotional baggage can persist for years, leading to either projecting it onto your children or experiencing outbursts that disrupt your normal life.

Don’t focus solely on positivity

While focusing on the positive aspects of life is essential, ignoring the reality of what is happening around you can be detrimental. This can lead children to isolate themselves and lose opportunities for social interactions, including within the family.

Do’s to end Parentification

Acknowledge it

When speaking out about it, or perhaps a thought to yourself, you have to realize yourself of what the real story is of your childhood. The level of what you suffered or comparison to the less-fortunate ones do not justify or belittle your own trauma. 

Give room to healthy anger, and a moment to cry for yourself. Once you realize yourself, and what you have been going through, you get to acknowledge and reach out for help.

Engage in conversation and confrontation

Confronting your parents and saying no is a great way to start that may help you to avoid further emotional burden you have been carrying. You have to understand that it is not your fault, and you are not responsible for adults. This might be a start but healing is a long journey.

As for parents, you have to be open in listening to what they feel and why. This will help you in not only avoiding giving mental distress to your kid, but end the trauma with you and your generation. It is also recommended that you and your child seek psychological help to strengthen a healthy bond. 

Seek professional help

In a world that increasingly prioritizes mental health, professional assistance is readily available. In Nepal, numerous hospitals and hotlines offer support during emotional outbursts. You can seek a professional outlook on your situation and start your healing journey. Ms. Kriti Agrawal from The Blissful Mind also emphasizes seeking counseling on parenting while you are planning to have a baby.

Sharing these to others outside family and professionals can give you information and help as per their experience but it cannot always be correct and unbiased. This will only help you in venting out. 

“Me, Myself, and I” Mantra

This may come across as selfishness to some but it is needed when your psychological needs are being ignored. You have to indulge yourself more in self-care and self-prioritizing. Before rescuing others, you have to rescue yourself. 

Apologize and thank the child that went through it

Whether it is your inner-kid or your actual children, if they speak out, apologize for what they had to go through. Thank the child for being brave and for being strong. 

As much as one justifies the trauma, these simple words as “sorry, I was wrong” could help them realize that what they were feeling was not correct and do not have to blame themselves for parents’ broken unhealed emotions.

A message to the newer generation of parents from Ms Kriti Agrawal (M. Phil)

Before planning a child physically & financially, Leaning parenting (consulting a parenting coach), planning & being in sync with your partner on parenthood , Healing yourself emotionally, preparing mentally, Personal research and reading on parenting is vital.

“No child deserves to bear the burden and consequences of being a broken version of their parents”.

Conclusion: 

As parents, it’s vital to comprehend that involving your children in your trauma and struggles forces them to adopt an adult mindset prematurely. This can lead to them neglecting their well-being and needs, making them people-pleasers who feel guilty whenever they attempt to prioritize themselves. 

Finding the delicate balance between setting healthy boundaries and allowing children to express their individuality within the family is a task every parent must undertake.

4 Comments

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